I don't like the person I have become...

I have been experiencing a lot of introspection lately, and I have done some really shitty things in my life-- particularly in the last year. I have become a woman who cheated on her boyfriend, can't get over the guy she cheated with (and can't have), a woman who slept with a guy one of her friends likes, and a woman who is not employed...

Funny thing is, I'm not one to judge others-- to each his own, you know? I just don't like that this has become my life. I used to be sweet, innocent and kinda smart....I think I liked myself better when I treated people with honesty. I will be this person again. I have decided to start by volunteering...(and not fucking other woman's husbands)...unless of course it's Alex, than I would have trouble resisting..(I'm horrible)...though I still don't think he will ever talk to me again...

I am Attracted to Someone Other Than my Boyfriend...

...oh shit...

And no...in case you are wondering, I have not acted on this yet...(did I just say YET)?...oh god...NO...I have not slept with someone else...(I have dirty thoughts though :O ....(and what's better...or worse?...is that this guy is apparently into me too)...

I belive part of the reason my mind wanders is my boyfriends lack of libido...He has absolutely no interest in sex. He has had no interest in sex since the beginning of our relationship, almost 4 years ago. At first I wondered if he was gay, then I wondered if it was me...then I came to the conclusion that perhaps he was just asexual...He never checks ANYONE out and is never in the mood...it is very bizzare...

So where does this leave me? I really have no idea. I am in a long term relationship, as is this fellow I have dirty thoughts about...

I would like to think I am not a loose woman (and I'm not)...I actually lost my virginity at an age much later than most of my peers)...so why do I feel guilty, for just THOUGHTS?...

I guess it's because I know they could become reality. This fellow and I have acknowleged attraction to one another. We talk with a flirtatious banter, and there have been "words exchanged"...There is just something about him. When he looks at me, it's almost erotic...it's like he's looking at me naked or something... When he talks to me, he actually takes an interest in me...he wants to know about me...it's not all about him. (I've found this somewhat rare with men-- it's very attractive though, when they want to know about you :)...

And he is just gorgeous...not traditionally gorgeous per say...but definitely gorgeous...and the way he looks at me like I am naked...Oh shit..I could be in for some trouble...or in the very least, some mental torture... :( ... :) ...