I don't like the person I have become...

I have been experiencing a lot of introspection lately, and I have done some really shitty things in my life-- particularly in the last year. I have become a woman who cheated on her boyfriend, can't get over the guy she cheated with (and can't have), a woman who slept with a guy one of her friends likes, and a woman who is not employed...

Funny thing is, I'm not one to judge others-- to each his own, you know? I just don't like that this has become my life. I used to be sweet, innocent and kinda smart....I think I liked myself better when I treated people with honesty. I will be this person again. I have decided to start by volunteering...(and not fucking other woman's husbands)...unless of course it's Alex, than I would have trouble resisting..(I'm horrible)...though I still don't think he will ever talk to me again...

Perhaps I am the Problem...

For a large portion of my life I thought everyone else was the problem. A common thought, correct?

But how could the whole world, with over 5 billion people be in the wrong, and I be in the right? (sorry if this was not stated in proper English by the way)...granted this is a broad generalization-- but you know what I mean.

I lost my childhood friends. Maybe it wasn't cause they were snobby, maybe it was because I was hyper and obnoxious. The boys in college didn't take interest in me-- maybe it wasn't because they were arrogant-- maybe it was cause I dressed like a little tomboy and had no self esteem. I had problems at most crappy paying jobs I've had since college-- maybe the people weren't all totatlly stupid/inept (though some definitely were to some degree)-- maybe it was because I was an arrogant little shit who thought I was better than the job. (A degree from a good university doesn't mean shit I have discovered if it's just in art and you have no job skills)...

Basically, I am over myself. I have realized I had an ego, and perhaps I shouldn't have. I am a little fish in a huge pond now. Insted of a medium sized fish in a little one...ya know...but how do I put this realization to use?

I haven't figured that out totally, except I am slightly more humbled perhaps. Still feeling sorry for myself, but humbled nonetheless...

Today I am frustrated...

Big surprise, right? :)

I'm not selling much of my artwork these days, in person, or on the internet...I don't know what to do really. I could blame the economy, but I won't. Reason being there are a number of other artist I know (in the real world) and also on the internet, who are doing all right in terms of sales...

I think I work in too many styles..I'm too ecclectic...to odd perhaps...I do some pretty stuff, maybe not enough?...I dont' want to sell out though. I dont't want to resort to that until I am on the verge of homelessness. My boyfriend just started a new job, so my unemployed ass is OK for now...(I would prefer to be contributing more though )....In my own non traditional manner...

Let's Hear it for Unemployment!

Yeah baby!!! (Imagine that said like Austin Powers).... :)

The good news is, I am not destitute...(not yet anyway)...With the help of my boyfriend and my Dad I can now pursue my art full time. (at least for now, until I am totally broke). Money will be tight, but I find I am in a better mood already, now that I am officially unemployed :)...Let me rephrase-- I am now self employed :)....I just don't fit into the 9 to 5 world....I'm too scrappy...I have too many quirks...I'm overly sensitive, I hate dressing up..I'm just plain weird...I would like to think I'm weird in a good way though! :)

So it turns out, perhaps, my fears of being "fired" were unfounded...I am now under the impression I was, indeed, laid off....Here's one bit of evidence-- they asked me if I could fill in this weekend! :)...I think if someone fires you they don't want you to "fill in"...and also my boss seemed happy when I said I would be willing to fill in on occassion when they needed me too :)...there are other things that reassured me I was laid off too, as opposed to being fired...certain changes were maid with the company to save money...eliminating my job position was just one part of it...

Anyway, enough about that crap! :) ....Now I just have to decide which style of art I want to pursue..I work in so many different styles, that some of my work doesn't even look like it was completed by the same artist...I don't mind really, but I'm wondering if I need more of a focus to gain some sort of success with it...We'll see...I'll probably write more on this subject later, but for now I've gotta run! :)

I Just Lost My Job

Big Fucking Surprise.....

The good news, at least for my own piece of mind....is that my job was "elimintated" because of the economy......they weren't bringing in enough money, so they had to cut corners.... (for the record, I earn about $600 per month).....Perhaps they told me the truth, but I REALLY doubt it....

I never fit in there....The people that work there are "respectable" looking....I am a bit scruffy. I have "trichotillomania", which means I pull my hair out do to anxiety, and have some bald spots. I don't dress in stylish clothing....I have an eating disorder, and am uncomortable in form fitting clothing....to make matters worse, I am at the heaviest weight I've been at since high school...in the last year I've gained almost 10 pounds....

Ok, sorry, that's a side note, and I'm slightly intoxicated...not mega drunk, but a little....I thought I'd console myself and celebrate.....

Anyway, I feel a bit depressed, a bit happy, and a bit lost... I don't know what to do now...Luckily I have an amazingly supportive boyfriend, who seems to love me...why? I don't know, but I'm lucky and he does....I love him too...I admit, I'm often scared he will fuck me over...

Anyway....just why was my postition "eliminated"??? you ask?.... I guess I am still wondering...My job has been on shaky ground for a month or so...I had a phase where I made a bunch of stupid mistakes...but then I was fine...Now they are canning me....in a very "polite" way of course....I was let go in a way where it seemed as if they were really "eliminating" my job...I was told my 2 supervisors were taking over my duties...there are other things going on though, which make me suspuct others are taking over my job...

Maybe it doesn't matter. I didnt' like it there. I wasn't good at it. They knew it, and I knew it...It still hurt my fuckin feelings....I feel like the biggest fucking loser on the planet...If I didn't have my sweetie to help me, and my Dad...I would be homeless and dead...I hope things improve soon...