Big Huge Nasty Fight With the Boyfriend...

We almost broke up tonight. Our entire relationship of almost 4 years has been a series of mini breakups, and almost breakups. I thought tonight would be "for real" though...

So he's stressy and cranky all day-- which of course stresses me out. And then he tells me he hates his job and wants to quit-- after I'm already stressed out. Then I told him fine, quit, but you better have your parents help you or have something lined up, because I have no fucking money. (I am unemployed because of all my fucking mental health "issues")...My dad helps me, but that's not enought to support him too...Anyway

I told him neither of us can handle stress, neither of us seem to be able to handle long term employment...and when you put two "nuts" together, you get nothing but "nutty."...I also yelled at him for never having sex with me.

My boyfriend and I have not had sex in a fucking month. And we are in our 30's...he has no libido whatsoever....or at least not towards me...

We ended up chilling out, but I am still left wondering what will happen in the long run. I love him, but it's like living with my brother or something...I need a normal sex life...It has become apparent that my boyfriend has no interest in sex with me, and "Alex" has most likely lost interest in me...

Not Doing too good Tonight...

I'm thinking about too many things...the past, my family...people I know, and people I knew...I need to get rid of the nostalgic streak, but it haunts me...Not to be melodramatic, but it really does...I suppose it doesn't help that I've been listening to you tube videos all night...think Alanis Morissette, Willie Nelson, and Anne Murray...

Yes, I know, potentially self indulgent and pathetic, but in a strange way...it makes me feel better...the songs I listen to, I listen to for a specific reason...the remind me of a time in my life, a certain feeling...you know? There's something about music that does that. It transports me back in time-- Alanis Morissette to my late teen years and early 20's...Willie and Anne to my childhood years...when my mother was still here...I don't remember her well, but I know she loved me. I wish she was still here. I know she loved me. I don't know how, but I just know. And my Dad told me she kind of favored me...then she offed herself. Maybe that's why I'm so fucked up. I'm very introspective and I know how I feel. I usually know why I feel the way I feel. It doesn't change things though. It doesnt' make things better....Maybe I should paint about it. I just miss them.

PS: this is a sketch from long ago...I did this in Jeremy's dorm room...