Went Home to Visit...

It has actually been an enlightening experience. I have grown a greated appreciation for my friends and family, even though they piss me off sometimes. Also, I am reminded (by myself), that I am not perfect, and perhaps I overract to various situations and people...

Something has changed in me as of late. I have let go of certain expectations of myself, adn also of other people. I think I will be ok. Even if I am barely scraping by, earning $8 an hour I think I will be OK. I'm not sure what brought about this change exactly, but something changed. Have I hit a rock bottom? This year has been REALLY BAD, and I've experienced many lossed and various humiliations, so maybe that is part of it. Who knows...something has chilled a bit within my psyche though..

Currently

I dropped out of the tech school classes...I was in a very bad place...the air force guy dumped me, my ex got another girl, my gramma died...I was having problems with my artist friends ( a couple of them) and moved to another building...to much at one time...

Things are clearing a bit now...I've excepted that my ex fiance and I are toxic for one another, and also I love him adn took him for granted. We both made mistakes, adn both know it cannot work. I am trying to figure out how much contact I should have with him...I think the air force guy and I will remain friends, but knowing him, I'm guessing he'll be chasing a lot of tail when he gets back, so I'll only talk to him/see him when he needs advice...

money...who knows...disability for now, but now forever...I want to be self sufficient eventually, but I need to be emotionally stable a bit longer before I can go off or go back to school...

I just need to remind myself that these stressful times-- these too, shall pass...it will be OK. I say this to other people, but often forget to remind myself of this.

Where I'm At...

I have been abnormally depressed lately...(as in staying in bed depressed). My depressions were always anxious and fidgety when I was young, now they just leave me feeling tired. I prefer being tired and depressed to being anxious though.

I finally got my disability check. I am very thankful for this help from the government, but I also feel like a loser. It's strange-- I don't mind at all if someone else needs disability, but I am very hard on myself. I would like to have some type of gainful employment (as they call it), but I am just not currently capable of working full time. My anxiety levels are quite bad, and my bulimia has gotten a bit worse in the last 2 weeks...

The demise of my relationship with the guy I was dating is making it all worse. He gave me all this crap about how he couldn't be involved with my cause he was leaving for Iraq, he can't trust anyone-- blah balh balh...so he said he though we should just be friends. A day or two after he dumps me he starts dating a 22 year old who he falls madly in love with-- and she in turn, after 3 weeks of dating him, decides to get back with her ex. (karma :)....then again, maybe the 22 year old got back together with my former duded. Who knows, we no longer have contact. I am sad.

I was supposed to take a couple of classes at the tech school in a couple of weeks, but I am not sure if I am up for it, or would even like it. (CNA stuff). I got the idea from taking care of my gramma. I don't know, we'll see

I am Back Home Because My Grandma is Dying of Cancer

This is very upsetting. I feel like an asshole. I separated myself from my family about 7 years ago because I felt like I could not live up to their expectations. I felt pressure to be thin, perfect, athletic, and also have a mega career. In retrospect, perhaps I put these expecations on myself. Anyway...I was gone for a long time, but I came back to visit last August with the encouragement of a guy I had just started dating. He told me he didn't see his grandma right before she died and he always regretted it. She only has a couple of weeks now, so I am here.

When I entered the house I was so sad. My grandma looked very frail and old. I was overwhelmed with sadness and cried on and off during the hour and a half long visit. I gave her a hug and asked her how she felt. I can't recall what exactly she said, but the gist I got was that she was not in pain, but very tired and weak. I told her I was sorry I was gone so long, and she said sometimes absense makes the heart grow fonder. I also said I had to go and find myself. She said she knew I didn't have an easy road. I said I still didn't, but I was hoping I'd find my way. She asked me about my boyfriend, and I said he didn't want to boyfriend and girlfriend, but we still might be dating. I said the situation was confusing, but I really liked him. I said maybe I wasn't "the one" for him, and she said, "maybe you are." I held her hand for like an hour and a half. I hugged her and cried on and off. I thanked her for helping raise me, and she commented that we had a good time. I said, remember when we used to go"bumming?"...she said she liked all the garage sales we went to. I commented on the antique shops as well, and how much fun it was decorating Christmas cookies with her...She said she loved me, and I said I loved her too. I then went to visit with my aunt and cousin, and came back to grandma and grandpas for dinner. Grandma invited me to stay over, and I did. It was nice to be home.

Being Attractive By Being You...

This is a really cool post I read on another blog:

http://tobeme.wordpress.com/2009/08/28/being-attrative-by-being-you/#comment-15369

After reading this I couldnt help but aske myself, who the hell am I? I really don't feel attractive, though I recently started dating this hot air force guy within the last month. I have grown more and more insecure over the past week. After reading this post I wonder if it's because I am not being myself...so the question then is
WHO AM I???? Maybe if I figure it out and just be myself, I will feel better...However, I do find when I am being myself I am often ridiculted or critized, because part of being me is being hyper and vulger...Here's who I am...Who are you?

I am:

1) hyper and occassionally obnoxious...(surely someone out there may appreciate this, right)????

2) a romantic, although I am a tomboy

3) I swear like a sailor (bothers most people)

4) I am a good drawer, an OK painter

5) I love animals, especially dogs

6) I feel comfortable in comfortable loose fitting clothing...I don't like dressing seductively...I don't mind dressing "cute" though...

7) I am completely insecure...especially about my body and also my lack of career and money...

8) I want to grow old with a wonderful man and watch the sunset on the porch...with the dog of course...

9) I enjoy repetitive boring activities, and prefer not to deal with intense interpersonal situations with people I don't know...I have social anxiety problems...I should be an accountant...but I'm also scared of complicated computer programs and going back to school..

10) I fear life

IN SUMMARY: Being myself means accepting that I am insecure, and only deal with people who don't mind that I am a scrappy hyper tomboy who happens to swear a lot...no wonder I don't attract anyone...would this actually attract anyone???

I am in the dark place today...

The Tech School Tour..

It went well. I liked the bulding, I liked the teachers...but do I really want to go back to school for 2 years, to have a starting wage of roughly $10 per hour??? That is the question...well, one of them.

I already have a bachelor's degree (art), and I have already had jobs that pay this much, though I didn't really like any of them. I'm sick of being broke. As much as I love animals I may have to pursue another route to support my art habit. Accounting makes the most sense right now, as it would go hand in hand with having my own business...the next questions is, what type of schooling or degree...

this sucks, why didn't I do something about his years ago. Oh wait, I was really fucked up. Like more so than I am currently.

So I Have an Appointment To Go on a Tour of a Local Tech School

To check out their vet tech program...funny how quickly I change tunes, right??? Ok, I really love dogs...Only problem is bet techs dont' get paid shit, especially in my portions of the country, so I am having doubts already...

I don't know if I am going to do it...maybe I should stick with the med assistant idea adn shit...I don't know...I just want to get married and be an artist/housewife...is that bad???? I feel like that is bad, and I am not supposed to feel that way, as a result of the baby boomers, gen x, and gen y (and for the record, I am at the end of gen x)...I am confused...