I am Overwhelmingly Frustrated with my Current Situation...

I am not sure what to do at this point. I feel as though I am at a crossroads. I always feel this way though...Seriously, there is a reason why this blog is called "What's Wrong With Me."...

According to the psychiatrist I saw at the free clinic, what's wrong with me is that I have re-occurring major drepssion, generalized anxiety disorder, and bulimia. In the past I had more labels as well....I fucking hate labels, so I'm glad I dont' have as many as I used to...anyhoo...

I feel restless. I can't concentrate. I can't get anything done. I am too busy obsessing about my love life-- or lack there of, or what I should REALLY be doing with my life. I love the "idea" of being an artist, but I am a very practical person, and desire a steady paycheck. Alas, with a bachelor's degree in fine art, I'm not sure what my other options are-- other than retail...and I fucking hate retail...I am too introverted to be sales person...I hope I get me disability benefits back. I'm not as fucked up as when I got them the first time, but I'm still fucked up, so there is hope.

I don't intend it to be a permanent solution though. I want to be a productive person and do something with myself. I think it would help me though for now, as I am struggling in various ways....I am not really functioning like a normal person to tell you the truth. I can balance my budget, and make a sandwhich, but that's about it...

Maybe someday when I am more stable I will go back to school for another degree. I'm just not sure for what exactly. I have a passion for medical science, but I suck at science. I absolutely love animals, but again, I suck at science....maybe I should be an accountant...I'm good at math...or at least I used to be...

Today I am frustrated...

Big surprise, right? :)

I'm not selling much of my artwork these days, in person, or on the internet...I don't know what to do really. I could blame the economy, but I won't. Reason being there are a number of other artist I know (in the real world) and also on the internet, who are doing all right in terms of sales...

I think I work in too many styles..I'm too ecclectic...to odd perhaps...I do some pretty stuff, maybe not enough?...I dont' want to sell out though. I dont't want to resort to that until I am on the verge of homelessness. My boyfriend just started a new job, so my unemployed ass is OK for now...(I would prefer to be contributing more though )....In my own non traditional manner...

I Just Lost My Job

Big Fucking Surprise.....

The good news, at least for my own piece of mind....is that my job was "elimintated" because of the economy......they weren't bringing in enough money, so they had to cut corners.... (for the record, I earn about $600 per month).....Perhaps they told me the truth, but I REALLY doubt it....

I never fit in there....The people that work there are "respectable" looking....I am a bit scruffy. I have "trichotillomania", which means I pull my hair out do to anxiety, and have some bald spots. I don't dress in stylish clothing....I have an eating disorder, and am uncomortable in form fitting clothing....to make matters worse, I am at the heaviest weight I've been at since high school...in the last year I've gained almost 10 pounds....

Ok, sorry, that's a side note, and I'm slightly intoxicated...not mega drunk, but a little....I thought I'd console myself and celebrate.....

Anyway, I feel a bit depressed, a bit happy, and a bit lost... I don't know what to do now...Luckily I have an amazingly supportive boyfriend, who seems to love me...why? I don't know, but I'm lucky and he does....I love him too...I admit, I'm often scared he will fuck me over...

Anyway....just why was my postition "eliminated"??? you ask?.... I guess I am still wondering...My job has been on shaky ground for a month or so...I had a phase where I made a bunch of stupid mistakes...but then I was fine...Now they are canning me....in a very "polite" way of course....I was let go in a way where it seemed as if they were really "eliminating" my job...I was told my 2 supervisors were taking over my duties...there are other things going on though, which make me suspuct others are taking over my job...

Maybe it doesn't matter. I didnt' like it there. I wasn't good at it. They knew it, and I knew it...It still hurt my fuckin feelings....I feel like the biggest fucking loser on the planet...If I didn't have my sweetie to help me, and my Dad...I would be homeless and dead...I hope things improve soon...