Am I Fat?

I think this is a topic many people struggle with...for those of us with eating disorders it's a very fucked up issue...

I have been bulimic for roughly 12 years now...so I don't even know what "normal" is...All I know is what feels "comfortable."....When I get over 120 I do not feel "comfortable,"...I feel fucking fat...I felt my best at 110, but as I've gotten older I find it difficult to keep my wieght down. When I was younger, I was not comfortable over 113...but I'm not 20 anymore...

Here are some more reasons I find it hard to keep my weight down:
1) I'm older and not as obsessed with excercise
2) I like high calorie alcholic beverages (a new thing in the last couple of years)
3) Now that I'm getting older and have some lines and a few grays it's a losing
battle anyway...I'm pretty much fucked no matter what I do....
4) perhaps my metabolism is slowing down some...

So on a related note, I weighed myself today for the first time in a few weeks...I don't have a scale at home, and only wieght myself at one of the local grocery stores...Yes, odd as it may seem, one of the local grocery stores has a scale-- maybe they think it will help sell diet food???? I weighed in at 117 1/2...So I only gained 1 1/2 pounds since last time...I still hate being this large. I want to be 110...It's just such a nice number...I don't know if I can pull it off though, with the odds stacked against me...

The fact that I am so fucking depressed today might help though...