Well I Was Losing Weight, But Now I am Getting Fat again...

So I was doing OK on my diet for a while. I gained 7 pounds in the last year, and over the course of the last 3 months, managed to lose 5 or 6 of those pounds...I have not weighed myself in a couple of weeks, but I know I have gained some of it back because my stomach looks fatter and I feel bloated...

Whenever my family is in town, like they were last weekend (well one family member anyway), I always end up boozing for like 4 days in a row on high calorie alcholic beverages...and now I've gained a few...DAMN IT!!!!!!

I hate getting older and getting fatter. I technically still have an eating disorder (bulimia), but the alcohol and lack of excercise is not helping me maintain my weight...I do excercise, just not as much. And I do like "cocktail hour"-- it helps sooth my nerves...it's making me fucking fat though, so maybe I should just have margaritas on the weekend of something...CRAP!!!

I'm Getting Up at the Crack of Dawn Tomorrow to Vote...

And naturally I am having another night of insomnia and can't fall asleep...

I really hope Obama wins :) He actually gives me hope, and gives a shit about all Americans-- including those of us who are suffering...I may actually have access to health care someday if he wins...I mean other than ER visits...

I'm one of those "fall between the cracks" people. I'm not screwed up enough to get disability (apparently, according to the government), but I am not healthy enough to work full time either...

Lets' just say I am prone to panic attacks at work, and have vomited at every job I have ever had...Not a good thing...Anyway, I have applied to various health insurance companies, but I keep getting rejected because of my history of depression, anxiety, bulimia, OCD...and whatever the hell else I have been diagnosed iwth over the years...

But maybe I can get health care someday! :) I would like that :) I would like to have my reproductive rights protected as well...Sorry Palin, I'm not carrying around a rapists baby!....I hope people don't have to go back to back ally abortions...

I am not a particularly religious person...but if there is a god...PLEASEEEEEE let Obama win.....

Round Two...

I am very excited by this prospect....(yeah-- sex)!

After a week or two of wondering what the hell was going on...I now know...(kind of)????

He asked me what I was doing this week. And of course I said "nothing", because I have no life... I have not had sex with my boyfriend in 3 weeks-- and belive me-- I have tried... :( ...Dude, this fucking sucks...I am a woman in her early 30's, in a long term relationship, with no sex life...

I can't recall what he said exactly, somthing like "do you want to run away together" this week?...(uh-- YEAH!!!!!!)...

I need something desperatlely...and he is a lovely man :) ...

He's Still Ignoring Me, But on a Side Note...

A threesome?.....

I don't think I could go there. The idea is fascinating, but I am way too much of an introvert for such activities myself...At least I think I am????....

And yes, like the title suggests, "Alex" is stil ignoring me. I thought I would bring up a conversation we had a week or so ago, as I have nothing better to say at the moment. At one point he asked me about my "fantasies"...and being the boring girl I am of course, I don't really have any...Except maybe lighting some candles and lots of kissing and so on and so forth...(foreplay is a good thing)...anyway...

He asked me if I ever thought about being with "other women" or multiple people. I honestly answered, "not really"...unless it was me, him...and someone like Johhny Depp or something...(not that there is anything wrong with that other stuff-- to each his own, I'm just really boring and prefer penises to vaginas).....

This made me wonder-- is this further proof he is a "player"?...does he want me to be involved with himself and his "other" other woman-- if there are "other" women?...or me and his "real" woman?...I have no idea what this converations was about really. Interesting conversation though. The only thing I could gather from this entire interaction was that he might be interested in me wearing a little white t-shirt and nothing else....but then again he hasn't been talking to me much, so this could all mean absolutely nothing...

I'll keep ya posted...

Is He Fucking With My Head, or Does He Not Know What He Wants?

Men confuse the fuck out of me. Don't get me wrong though, I enjoy them nonetheless...

So "Alex" has now been talking to me less, and perhaps avoiding/and/or igoring me. And this all started after we uh...did stuff....

I wonder if he:

A) is dissatisfied with what I ...uh..do...
B) feels guilty because he is in a long term relationship
c) he is no longer attracted to me, becuase he always thought I was so sweet and innocent...(not anymore)!-- I guess I blew that one out of the water :)-- no pun intended :).... :O ... :)
D) doesn't know what the heck he wants
E) is worried I will ask him to leave his woman
F) something other than what I have mentioned

This is very confusing. And he does chat with other woman-- are there more than me? Does he want me to be jealous? I have no clue. This is all very exciting and wierd. Though I'd rather just cut the drama and mess around, but he seems to have lost interest...I hope I'm not a bad kisser...I will keep you updated in this strange dilemma

I think maybe he just likes the thrill of the chase?....

Oh yes...In honor of this romantic angst and confusion, I bring to you this song by Natalie Merchant. I love this song...It gets to the point...



I absolutely love it when this song is in about 2 minutes-- so if you are an impatient type, fast forward the song to about 2 minutes :)

Maybe He is a Player????

I have been wondering this for some time now. I have seen him get into "animated" discussions with other females...Now, I know this doesn't ALWAYS mean something, but I realize often it does...ie: he frequently (or used to anyways), get into animated, enjoyable conversations with me...

So lets just say, for the sake of argument, that there was some kind of...er...messing around of some sort....and then lets say right after that happened said person starts spending less time with you...

What does it mean when he talks to you a little, but not as much as before? Is this a guys way of being polite? And what does it mean if there is a small amount of flirthing but not nearly as much as before? Is this a power trip thing-- like hard to get? Or is this the nice way of letting someone down?...

Then there is the "other other woman" factor. Maybe there are multiple other woman in his life or something. This is really fucking with my head. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. For instance, tonight he was chatting with this other chic for at least a half an hour...maybe longer...then I overheard her say something about emailing him. I asked another friend what he was up to, and the other frined said, "oh, he's just being flirtatious"--ie: admitting that they dude was in fact being flirtatious...that made me feel so much better really...My life is so fucked right now. I am quite confused....

OK, Ignore the Last Post...

Knowing my luck, and my shyness, it probably won't happen. I can always fantasize though, right?...

I didn't see him at all yesterday (and I thought I would run into him)...and today I just saw him briefly...Previously he said he wouldn't change his mind (ie: wants mind blowing sex)...Then today he said he keeps going back and forth...

The reason being (according to him anyway), is that he is worried about me...Not in an "oh my god she is insane way", but because apparently I seem innocent, sweet, and vulnerable. He claims he doesn't want to hurt me. Shit!!! I come off as innocent and sweet?!?!...Well, maybe in person I do...if they only knew :O .....

We'll see what happens...or doesn't happen...I think one of us will wuss out, no matter how bad we want something to happen...