Just When I Think I am Breaking Out of My Most Recent Depression...

I'm not...

The last 3 months have been bad. Like one of the worst depressions I have ever been in. I do have moments though when I think I am going to pull out of it. For instance, I recently started working on an oil painting, I got in the groove, and was feeling pretty good for 2 days.

But then the next day I started obsessing about the same old stuff again-- mainly, what's going to happen to me in 10-20 years. I worry I will not get disability back, and also that I will never be able to hold a decent paying job, as I lack job skills. I worry I will be homeless and die on the steets. Sounds bizarre right? These are the things I seriously think about. I think I have some kind of OCD thing going on, in addition to severe anxiety.

I prefer depression to anxiety though, anxiety is the worst. Especially social anxiety-- it always made any workplace situation difficult for me. I either don't say enough, or I say too much. I can't stand up for myself until I get so pissed off that I say something stupid. I'm too old to be this way, and am trying to improve on my social anxiety issues. All my anxiety issues really. Not much luck though.

I think I need to move across the country again. I know you can't run away from your problems, but I am not liking where I am living. The crime rate is bad and the climate does not agree with me. There's also not many jobs here (is there anywhere though)?

Back Home and Starting Over...Kinda

So here's what's going on-- the basics. My ex alcoholic boyfriend, who I refer to as "Bryan," is still living at the rooming house and not causing me any drama/problems. We speak on a daily basis (as he appears to be sober), and we occasionally hang out. We're not "together" though. Not that I should talk bout the drinking though, I am very fond of the "sauce".... but I do get up and function every day though...

"Alex," the guy I had the affair with, because "Bryan" has no interest in sex, is still completely absent from the art studios. (And just WHY did he apologize to me before I left for vacation, and say he wanted to take me out for a burger)??????--this after ignoring me for 2 months....asshole.

So I am single, broke, and romantically alone. It's nice that I am not as stressed out as I was though. I miss Alex. I hate to admit it, but I do. I think he probably has a bunch of girls he is screwing around with though-- like the horseface chic. Damn that asshole. I hate that he has this power over me. He knows I am back. I have been back for almost 2 weeks, but he hasn't shown his face. When he does I should spit in it. I'm too polite though I guess.

This Song Hits the Spot

Has anyone out there heard this song, or seen the movie, "Garden State?"...Seriously, it kills me every time... :)

According to my ex boyfriend, I like this movie because, "you're just like that girl"!!!! Maybe a little...I maintain though, I am much more like Juno, from said title...I really enjoy the interpersonal dynamic between Zach whats-his-face and Natalie Portman...and the fact that I was once rather cute/odd/innocent like that Natalie character...I think I have developed a Zach crush as well...I like that these characaters are wierd/odd/cute and slightly imperfect. If I see one more perfect fucking hollywood person I am gonna barf, seriously...

Anyway, I though I would share this video, as it is one of my favorites as of late :) It's a feel good kind of video...for those of us who are kinda impatient, fast forward the video to one minute and 15 seconds for the chorus :)

So I am Staying Out of Town...(with my ex, ex boyfriend)

I changed my plane ticket to stay out of town a week longer. It cost me $150-- ouch! I probably should not have done this, as I have no income...I just felt I needed to though. I need one more week away from the chaos with my ex, and the "alex" thing.

Perhaps this will let my ex know he really can't count on me for money. He needs to ask his rich parents. (and they are rich-- they have a "lake home" for Christ's sake, in addition to their normal gigantic home, and their designer pure bred dogs, and all their big cars and fancy gagets)...anyway....

I am currently staying with my ex, ex boyfriend, with whom I am still good friends. I will refer to him as "Greg.". Greg and I were together for 4 years on and off, before I was with my most recent ex. Greg and I basically broke it off because he's not the settling down type...he's a bit older than me too.

We are good friends though, and we always will be...as far as I know. He's like the only person I can always count on. I feel "safe" here....however, there are no opportunities in the arts in this city. Or I should say, there are very LIMITED opportunities here. It's not a tourist town, or a big city. I don't know where I'll end up ultimately. Probably back here in another year or two.

Maybe I Should Stay out of Town a Little Longer...

I am nervous about going back home. I spoke with my ex yesterday afternoon, and I found out he had not yet contacted his mother for his rent money yet. His weekly rent is due on Friday/Saturday. He then said, "you're coming back on Saturday aren't you"? I informed him he better call his mom for money, because I'm not just going to show up on Saturday and pay his rent for him. What the fuck is his problem? His parents are loaded (seriously, they are)...and I am living off my savings account.

If I am not in the same state as he is, then how can he harass me for money? Other than potentially harassing my neighbors, and causing me more problems on the home front. I don't know what I will do yet. I don't know how to go about changing my plane ticket.

My Ex is Finally out of my Apartment

As far as I know...I am out of town right now-- in another state actually. The day before I left, I wrote a check for a week's rent at this rooming house, and got the keys back from my ex. He took most of his clothes there, and a few other things.

Luckily my asshole neighbor did not say anything to me in the last couple of days that I was there. The situation generally makes me paranoid though, as he is the building busy-body. He actually got a couple of ladies kicked off the condo board-- anyway, that's what I am dealing with.

So when I go back home, it should be peaceful. Should be...unless my ex starts harassing me for money for his rent. I hope not, as i have no income and am living off my savings account.

I do think there is "hope" though, you know? At least I kind of have him out of the apartment. His furniture is still there, but I had him sign a statement saying he left it there of his own accord, and I did not steal it. With a nut job like him, taking such precautions is necessary...

2 Months of Shit...

And you know I am not referring to the substance that comes out of your ass. I am referring to all the drama with my drunk, unemployed ex-boyfriend. He is still in my apartment, and of course, still drunk and unemployed. It is not good. He needs to go.

The situation has caused me to age a lot, even in just 2 months. I am getting a lot of gray hair in my temples, and I am only in my early 30's. What the hell is up with that?...Must be stress. Basically I am dealing with an irritable asshole, and we have had a lot of fights as a result. He tells me all these stories, like "I'm starting my job on Tuesday," or my parents are sending my this check for $2,000 so I can take that apartment>"....and of course they all turn out to be lies. (FUCK HEAD)...

To top it off a neighbor knocked on the door 2 nights ago and informed us we were about to loose our apartment. He is the building busy body. I was really freaked out at the time, and explained the situation briefly, and said my boyfriend would be moving soon. I ran into the busy body the next day, and he said he "had to talk to" me about the situation. He also said he was calling my landlord. (said that the night before). To appease the situation I put a note under the neighbors door, telling him there would be no more loud arguments, and that my ex is leaving soon). It really fucking pisses me off how nosy he is though. You dont' like yelling, fine. so be it. whatever. You talked to me once, I'm not talking about the details with you, let alone talk to you about it over and over-- your'e not my landlord!!! (sorry-tangent)-- this guy is a total pill though. There are at least a handful of people in the building who don't like him (myself now included)

So anyway, I may be homeless if the asshole doens't leave. And of course he will only leave if I pay for it. (FUCKER)...long story.