I'm a Horrible Jealous Person...

I admit it. I am very jealous of many people. Especially people in happy relationships with good sex lives. I'm particularly jealous of people who have been married forever and can't imagine being with anyone else. I want that life...

I have never met the right person at the right time. I have however, maybe met the right person/s at the wrong time?...Take "Jeremy," the guy from college. I was too young and stupid to realize what a sweetheart he was. He liked me just how I was-- that's not easy to find, especially at age 19!...Then there is "Alex"-- our sexual chemistry is wonderful, and we have great conversation, but he is in a long term relationship that I doubt he will leave. He likes stability, and his girlfriend is stable...I'm just an unemployed, oversexed wierdo....

I would love to have that amazing relationship that combines great sex with great friendship and companionship....Sometimes I wonder if it will ever happen. I always fall for men I can't have...or men I can have, but then when I do want them...I can't have them....GGRR...

I love the idea of growing old with somebody. I hope this happens.

So My Boyfriend was Drinking Mouthwash Tonight...

Yeah, that's never a good sign...He had a small relapse 2 days ago, and now he was drinking mouth wash. It got him visibly drunk, and then he puked.

This is quite the life I have made for myself. Why was I not drown at birth or something?...Seriously though. I have known for a LONG time it wouldn't work, but I feel almost reponsible for him in a way. I worry he will die or something if I leave. And I do care about him, he's a sweetie. But he's also a drunk with no libido.

I find myself looking at couples who have been together for YEARS and I feel so jealous. I wish I could have that. I'm not really the type to date around a lot. I love the idea of being with someone forever, I just don't know if it's possible. For me anyway-- I would drive any man nuts with all my anxiety problems....and I have, the few boyfriends I have had.

Supposedly he is going to AA tomorrow with his boss of all people. Turns out he is a recovering alcholic too. Should be interesting.

Leaving Home...(for the first time)

For some reason this popped into my head tonight....I think it's becauase I was watching a movie that happend to feature college age people...

I will never forget the afternoon I left home for college. I was in the downstairs of our split level home, and looking out the back window. I was trying not to cry hysterically. I was scared shitless. I am an introvert. I don't make friends easily. I don't like new things. I am a chicken shit. Anyway I was teary eyed and all. I did cry...but I tried to keep it "quiet."...And then I heard my Dad at the top of the stairs say it was time to go....

I don't know if he knew I was crying. He probably did. Parents know those things i think. He dropped me at my dorm or something (I dont' recall the details about that part)...and before we got there he bought me a sandwich from a gas station, which I later at for dinner. Also, I went to the student union that afternoon, meeting no one of course...but I do recall calling my Dad from the union, that first night from home.

This post isn't particularly relevant to anything in my life currently, other than the fact that I am currently very far from home. (I moved across the country awhile back and it's just kinda strange- both good and bad)...

It was so traumatic for me to go to college as an undergrad, yet college was only like 30 minutes from home! :O...funny...

Shit Hits the Fan...

Did I mention my boyfriend of almost 4 years is a recovering alcholic? yeah...and I mean a bad one-- think rehab 5 times and multiple suicde attempts.

Well, I went to bed abnormally early last night, and woke up around 1:30 AM, only to find him drinking whiskey. Shit! (He's currently still in bed, most likely with a hangover)...

One of two things can happend now:

1) he sobers up, and goes back to work on Thursday (he has a couple of days off)..

2) he goes on a drinking binge, most likely followed by a suicide attempt...

I really hope #1 is the path he follows. I am so sick of dealing with this shit. I used to be sweet and nurturing about all this, but I jsut can't take it anymore. My caregiving skills are wearing out, I have so many of my own problems...

I'll keep you updated...

Big Huge Nasty Fight With the Boyfriend...

We almost broke up tonight. Our entire relationship of almost 4 years has been a series of mini breakups, and almost breakups. I thought tonight would be "for real" though...

So he's stressy and cranky all day-- which of course stresses me out. And then he tells me he hates his job and wants to quit-- after I'm already stressed out. Then I told him fine, quit, but you better have your parents help you or have something lined up, because I have no fucking money. (I am unemployed because of all my fucking mental health "issues")...My dad helps me, but that's not enought to support him too...Anyway

I told him neither of us can handle stress, neither of us seem to be able to handle long term employment...and when you put two "nuts" together, you get nothing but "nutty."...I also yelled at him for never having sex with me.

My boyfriend and I have not had sex in a fucking month. And we are in our 30's...he has no libido whatsoever....or at least not towards me...

We ended up chilling out, but I am still left wondering what will happen in the long run. I love him, but it's like living with my brother or something...I need a normal sex life...It has become apparent that my boyfriend has no interest in sex with me, and "Alex" has most likely lost interest in me...

Facebook Tortures me...

yeah, it's so nice to see how far everyone has come, and all the grand things people are doing...

and for the record, I am in introvert and generally against such sights. I just joined because my boyfriend made me... :0

Anyway...I looked up "Jeremy" on facebook...if you recall...he was the one who "got away" back in college, is now married to a sucessful, intelligent woman, who somewhat resembles me physically...

And they have a beautiful daugher. I don't have access to all their info, but the wife used the daughter as an avatar. She is so lovely. I am happy for him. He deserves that...I know also, I could never have given him that stability or happiness, as i have so many fucking problems....I can't help be a little sad though...a little envious...for that "normal" life I most likely will never have...

Am I Fat?

I think this is a topic many people struggle with...for those of us with eating disorders it's a very fucked up issue...

I have been bulimic for roughly 12 years now...so I don't even know what "normal" is...All I know is what feels "comfortable."....When I get over 120 I do not feel "comfortable,"...I feel fucking fat...I felt my best at 110, but as I've gotten older I find it difficult to keep my wieght down. When I was younger, I was not comfortable over 113...but I'm not 20 anymore...

Here are some more reasons I find it hard to keep my weight down:
1) I'm older and not as obsessed with excercise
2) I like high calorie alcholic beverages (a new thing in the last couple of years)
3) Now that I'm getting older and have some lines and a few grays it's a losing
battle anyway...I'm pretty much fucked no matter what I do....
4) perhaps my metabolism is slowing down some...

So on a related note, I weighed myself today for the first time in a few weeks...I don't have a scale at home, and only wieght myself at one of the local grocery stores...Yes, odd as it may seem, one of the local grocery stores has a scale-- maybe they think it will help sell diet food???? I weighed in at 117 1/2...So I only gained 1 1/2 pounds since last time...I still hate being this large. I want to be 110...It's just such a nice number...I don't know if I can pull it off though, with the odds stacked against me...

The fact that I am so fucking depressed today might help though...